Please accept our sincere, heartfelt apologies for not recapping “Ab Aeterno” and “The Package.” A vacation and a move made our lives crazy and hindered our blogging abilities these past two weeks.

Be assured that we’ll be writing faithfully, beginning with our recap of “Happily Ever After” and continuing through the finale. We hope you’re as excited as we are for what’s ahead, and that you’ll keep reading.

Namaste,

J & A

Skull Baby Island

Sawyer brews up some tea, wakes Jin. They establish that they both know Locke’s not Locke, but Sawyer wants off the Island and Flocke can do that, so he doesn’t care. Keeping to typical Kwon dialogue for season six, Jin says he won’t leave without Sun, and Sawyer promises they won’t go without her. They hear the Others approaching and head out of Claire’s junk fort, which is pretty scary looking, but not as scary as Squirrel Baby. Kate’s WTF face when she sees it is truly an episode highlight. “It’s all I had,” says Crazy Jungle Claire.

Flocke “will make himself available” to answer questions, but for now they need to keep moving. Creepy Jungle Claire holds Kate’s hand. Sawyer tells Kate he ain’t with nobody. Flocke comforts the kids and promises to take care of them, teddy bear on a string and all, and explains that the black smoke is what killed the people who stayed at the Temple, omitting the fact that he is Smokey. When Sawyer interrupts him later (which pisses him off, btw), however, Locke comes clean to Sawyer, deadpanning, “I’m the smoke thing.” (We agree with the ladies over at WaPo — we’d love that on a t-shirt.) It’s kill or be killed, and he doesn’t wanna be killed, whines Smokey, sounding an awful lot like Locke in his whiny moments. The Others were being silly, protecting the Island from him, when all he wants is to go home. He sends Sawyer over to Hydra Island to do some recon. Sawyer will be fine because he’s “the best liar [he] ever met.” Sawyer hops in an outrigger and paddles along, and we start worrying that he’s going to come across his time-traveling season five self in another outrigger and shoot himself.

Back at camp, Kate stops to chat with Sayid and notices he’s looking odd. She asks if he’s okay, he replies no. Then Crazy Jungle Claire goes batshit and attacks Kate with a knife while Sayid watches with the world’s most hilarious expression on his face. Flocke grabs CJC and tosses her off, and when CJC still doesn’t come to her senses, Flocke smacks her across the face, because apparently Island Elementary School doesn’t teach you not to hit girls. He tells her, “this is completely inappropriate,” and gives her the truth about why Kate took Aaron. We continue to wonder why Claire remembers everything except wandering off into the junglez with her dadz.

Kate finds some trees to cry on and Flocke apologizes for Claire’s behavior. “Very insightful, coming from a dead man,” says Kate. We heart her. “Nobody’s perfect,” replies Flocke. Uh, what? He agrees to show her where Sawyer went and offers her his hand to help stand up. She gets up herself. They head over to the beach to stare at the “island where we were locked in cages.” Yeah, cages you banged in. Flocke then gives a very interesting speech:

“I am not a dead man. I know what you’re feeling[....]My mother was crazy. Long time ago, before I looked…like this, I had a mother, just like everyone. She was a very disturbed woman. And, as a result of that…I had some growing pains, problems that I’m still trying to work my way through. problems that could have been avoided had things been different.” Kate asks why he’s telling her this. “Because now Aaron has a crazy mother too.”

Hold the phones. Is Flocke trying to convince Kate to keep Claire away from Aaron? To kill Claire? But why? Does he know something about Aaron we don’t? OH LOOK, MORE QUESTIONS. Also, Smokey is making it really, really, really clear he used to be a real man. Do you think we’ve met him already? Who’s his mom? Let us also remind you that Locke’s mom was crazy, too…

Isle of Cage Sex

Meanwhile, Sawyer gets to Hydra Island in roughly seven seconds, because apparently trips that took hours and hours to make seasons ago suddenly take no time at all. He comes across the cages where he and Kate had fish biscuit sex and sees the dress Ben made her wear lying there, completely unravaged by time or the elements. Time for the Others to market Island Magic Tide.

He finds the Ajira plane, which looks pretty scratched and dented, but probably flyable. Weirdly, we did not learn about proper plane maintenance in j-school, but we guess it will work. Good thing Lapidus is still around, huh? Sawyer follows a path made by an object being dragged (a crate with a certain man of faith in it, perhaps?) to a pile of very dead bodies. They reek and are covered in flies, so we’re going to venture that they’ve been dead a while. When did Smokey have time to do this? Did he do this? OH LOOK, EVEN MORE QUESTIONS. GREAT.

Less Cute Tina Fey suddenly runs out of the jungle, claiming to be the only survivor. She was out in the junglez and heard screaming a few days ago and came back to find everyone dead, thank God she’s found him. We don’t believe her, and neither does Sawyer (but he does say, interestingly, “trust me, God’s got nothing to do with it”). Though, how does she know the flight was going to Guam? After she asks him roughly 90 questions, including one about guns, he tells her the jig is up. She whistles and a group of pudgy nerds holds him at gunpoint. “Take me to your leader,” snarks Sawyer.

They do! They head to their sub, passing some men putting up pylons that look like travel versions of the ones Dharma had. How much shit can a sub hold, exactly? This one doesn’t look very big. Did they get Hermione to put an enlargement charm on it? The sub has a door kept locked with two large padlocks. Sawyer asks what’s inside, doesn’t get an answer. We think it’s more of a question of WHO. Desmond? Really Tall Walt? Vincent?

Sawyer and Widmore meet in person for the first time, even though they both know who the other person is. Sawyer recognizes Widmore as the man who sent a freighter to the Island to kill everyone. “It’s sad really, how little you actually know,” says Widmore to all us viewers Sawyer. He didn’t murder the Ajira redshirts, and we believe him, though Sawyer’s not so sure. He is sure that they both know that Locke isn’t really Locke. Sawyer says he’ll like to Flocke and deliver him to Widmore to kill, in exchange for the safety and safe trip off the Island for him and the people in “his boat.” Oh lord, someone really is going to get shot by season five time-traveling Sawyer, aren’t they? Widmore agrees with a weird expression on his face. Is he pulling a con on Sawyer?

Sawyer paddles back to the main Island in about five minutes again. Was he on the Dharma crew team? He tells Flocke everything that happened on Hydra Island. Flocke seemed slightly surprised that the person leading the show on the other island is Widmore, but everything else seems like old news. He appreciates Sawyer’s loyalty.

Suddenly it’s night (must be daylight savings) and Sawyer goes to chat with Kate over an open rabbit flame. He explains that he’s pulling a long double con: he’s going to let the two sides duke it out and take the sub, not the plane, when they’re not looking. “You and me are getting the hell off this Island,” he says, and the name Freckles returns!

LAPD Sawyer

Thank the Gods, Sawyer is shirtless! He’s also in bed with a woman who is not either of us, but that’s OK because it appears he’s trying to con the gal. The setup looks exactly like his old con – she realizes, mid-hotel-canoodling, that he’s late for a meeting, hunky man’s briefcase opens and spills money everywhere, he feeds her some line about an investment. Season 1, we missed you!

Except, not so much, because this Ava chick is onto him. Her husband’s a con man, she tells him, so she knows his little scheme. But then Sawyer pulls a WHHHHATTT and reveals he’s a cop – this was a setup, and the cops want her husband. The lady calls bull, and at first we were apt to believe her, because can you really sleep with suspects,  as part of your undercover gig? But Sawyer says the safety word – LaFleur – and then the cops storm in, including MILES, who is now his partner. Let’s call them Detective Sexy and Detective Snark. Match made in heaven.

Back at the station, Sawyer is calling around looking for Anthony Cooper – revealing that he’s still trying to track down the man who conned his parents, and that his family history is just as sad this time around. Miles pops in and asks how Palm Springs was and Sawyer mentions having too many Mai Tais and not remembering much of the trip, conveniently leaving out that he was kind of in another country instead. Miles amazing detective skills don’t pick up on the lie, and he goes on to tell Sawyer that he’s sending him out on a date with a girl who works at the museum with his dad…oh, wait, his DAD??? So Dr. Chang left the island (obviously pre-sinking, but, when?) and has been a positive presence in Miles life. Between him, Jack and Locke, there’s a hell of a lot less daddy issues in this timeline. (Also, Miles mentions having a girlfriend. Who’s the lucky lady? Perhaps another member of the LAPD, like Ana Lucia?)

Sawyer meets his blind date in some swanky restaurant, and, to our disappointment, it’s not Juliet. It’s Charlotte, the once-Dharma kiddie turned archaeologist and freighter passenger, wearing a very sparkly dress. She asks him why he became a cop and he said he got to a point in his life where he could have been a criminal or a cop, so he chose cop – a much different path than in his old 2004. There’s some innuendo involving whips and then Sawyer is yummy and naked again, getting it on in his apartment. Naked Charlotte asks for a t-shirt. He tells her to go grab one from the top drawer on the right and leaves to go get water. Silly Charlotte either doesn’t know her right from her left or she was looking for Sawyer dirt, but, either way, she opens the non-shirt drawer and comes upon a file titled “Sawyer” and learns about his sad childhood fate – except that this time his parents died when he was 9, not 8. What’s up with that? Could it be that Sawyers ninth year of age happened to be in 1977, when the bomb went off? (We know that Sawyer was 8 in 1976, because he put his vendetta letter in a bicentennial envelope.) Sawyer comes back and finds her snooping, flips a shit and tells her to get out. She grabs her dress and shoes and leaves.

Back on the job, Sawyer walks past Charlie’s brother, Liam, who’s asking about his bro, still held up in that pesky drug charge stemming from his attempted suicide on the plane. He brushes him off and heads to the locker rooms, where Miles confronts him. “She opened the wrong drawer,” he tells Miles (did anyone else thing this would be a hilarious euphemism?), but Miles doesn’t want to know about Charlotte. He wants to know why Sawyer lied about being in Palm Springs – he pulled Sawyer’s credit card, and he was on a flight to Sydney. Sawyer tells him it’s none of his business, and then Miles goes all 5^th grade and says “You’re not my friend (erm, partner) anymore!” and storms out. Sawyer has that intimate moment with his reflection we’ve seen every character have in this timeline, and then smashes the mirror he saw himself in.

Coming home from a long day being really really ridiculously good looking, Sawyer sits down to watch an old episode of Little House on the Prairie, in which young Laura tells her dad that she would be devastated if anything ever happened to him or her mother. He tells her that people aren’t really gone once they die, and that you hold on to their good memories until you see them again. The words have an effect on Sawyer, and he decided to apologize to Charlotte by showing up at her apartment (how did he know where she lived, by the way?) with a peace offering of a sunflower and the above six pack. Charlotte thinks he’s still crazypants and tells him he blew it, which is great news for the other 5849589345893053 ladies who would happily take that flower and the man attached to it.

The next day, Sawyer pulls Miles into a cop car and tells him the truth – his parents were conned by a man named Anthony Cooper, and his father was so upset he shot his mother and then killed himself. He was in Sydney trying to track down Cooper, and when he does, he’s going to kill him (glad to know some things stay the same). Miles asks why he never told him, and Sawyer responds that he thought Miles, who seems to be a good person this time around who isn’t ripping people off by communicating with their dead loved ones for payment, would try and talk him out of it. They go to kiss and make up but then a sedan rear ends their car. The driver starts running away, so Sawyer plays Law & Order and corners him or her in the alley. Turns out the culprit is Basass Kate, who we last saw taking Claire’s credit card and going on the run in “What Kate Did,” and before you can say “Freckles” Sawyer recognizes her from the airport, when he let her escape. “Sonofabitch,” he says, smiling. Kate looks cautious, while our hearts melt.

Next week: we finally learn all about Richard Alpert. TELL US YOUR EYELINER SECRETS, PLEASE.

Team Jacob

After bolting away from crazypants Sayid, Ben meets up with Ilana and her band of Losties. Ilana asks where Sayid is. “I’m fine, thanks,” deadpans Ben. He tells Ilana that Sayid killed Dogan and Lennon, so he probably won’t be joining them. “Are you sure?” she asks him. “He was standing over their dead bodies holding a bloody dagger, so yeah, I’m pretty sure,” he retorts. Classic Linus. Then they all decide to head to the beach, where the original Oceanic survivors camp was. Still unsure why they keep thinking this is a good plan, but okay.

En route, Miles asks Ben what the thing was that killed everyone at the temple. Ben tells him it’s what killed Ilana’s friends back at the statue. “And Jacob, too, right?” she presses. Ben, of course, lies, because he’s Ben. Which would be fine, except that Miles can hear the last thoughts of the dead (by the way, why does Ilana know this?), so when Ilana hands him the bag of Jacob’s ashes she collected after his death, he promptly tells her that Ben killed Jacob – It was Mr. Linus, with the stabby knife, inside the four-toed statue. And yeah, he’s sure. A furious Ilana tells Ben that Jacob was the closest thing she ever had to a father and then keeps on walking. UH OH, Miles says, not sounding in the least bit sorry.

At the beach, Ben puts his lying hat on again and says psychics are unreliable, but Ilana believes Miles, so that’s that. Sun demands that Ilana look for her husband, and she tells her that she wants to find him too – because she doesn’t know if the Kwon she’s supposed to be protecting is her, Jin, or both of them. They’re candidates, she tells Sun. When a candidate is chosen, she said, then that person will find out what exactly the position entails. There are only six candidates left, Ilana forlornly tells her. (Assuming Locke is out now that he’s dead, that leaves whichever Kwon the list refers to, Sawyer, Jack, Hurley, Sayid, and….Kate? Aaron? Vincent? Who is the sixth candidate?)

Ilana wants them to get settled and build a fire. “Yeah, a fire will fix everything,” snarks Miles. Glad he’s taking Sawyer’s role considering our favorite conman has been gone for THREE EPISODES. Ben digs through Sawyer’s old tent and finds an Oceanic water bottle and some hilarious porn. He says he remembers the plane crash like it was yesterday, which is funny because we remember it like it was five seasons and a crapload of plot twists ago. Lapidus tells him that he was supposed to fly that plane, but overslept and missed the flight. “Imagine how different my life would be if I had gotten on that plane,” Lapidus says in a kind of sketchy way. Ben points out that it doesn’t really matter, because the island got him anyway. Oh, snap.

But, no more talk about how this show used to be about a plane crash! Ilana crashes their nostalgia party and goes rogue, chaining Ben to a tree, handing him a bamboo shovel and tells him to DIG – his own grave, that is.  He starts to dig his perfectly rectangular grave (seriously, who digs like that?) but stops to try and bribe Miles with all the people and resources he has off the island (who? what? huh?). No go, though, because Miles hears dead Nikki and Paolo and knows all about the diamonds they’re buried with. Ben tells him that Jacob didn’t care about being killed, and Miles tells him he’s wrong – up until the second that knife went through his heart, Jacob hoped he was wrong about Ben.

Cab receipt noises bring our favorite smoke-monster-as-Locke, who tells Ben he doesn’t want him to die. See, he plans on leaving the island with everyone, and when he does, someone is going to need to be in charge of the island, and he can’t think of a better man than Ben. It’s not a stretch to think Ben might agree, since bribing Ben with power – or challenging his lack of it – has worked before. Locke then uses his Hogwats-honed Harry Potter skills, shouts “ALOHAMORA” and the lock on Ben’s leg magically opens. Locke left a rifle leaning against a tree close by. Make a run for it, he tells Ben, and he’ll get to the gun before Ilana gets to him. His group will be at the Hydra station on the other island. Don’t hesitate, he stresses, because she won’t. Wait, why Hydra Island? Because there’s a big commercial jet with half a tank of gas there?

Ben gets to the gun, and seems all ready to go batshit on Ilana and join the Flocke clan, but first he has to explain that he knows what Ilana’s feeling, because he let his daughter Alex die.  He chose the island over her, all in the name of Jacob, but Jacob didn’t even care. Ben was angry and confused and scared because he was about to lose all his Others-leading power, but now he realizes the thing that really mattered was already gone. He’s sorry, and he can’t forgive himself, but he still wants to leave and join Smokey, because – Ben admits sadly – Smokey is the only one who will have him. Ilana says she’ll have him, and Ben, in a very un-Ben-like move, goes back to the beach with her instead of running off with Locke. Sappy Ben, now available in both timelines! (More on that below)

Post-Magical-Lighthouse-Destruction

Hurley wakes up talking about cheese curds. Jack wants to head back to the temple, but Hurley remembers what Jacob said about returning to the temple (don’t) and tries to distract the most un-distractible person on the island. Suddenly, Richard walks out of the jungle in all his wide-eyed eyeliner glory, and tells Jack and Hurley to come with him. Jack doesn’t necessarily trust him, but he’s not stalling like Hurley is.

Hurley asks Richard why he never ages – cyborg? Vampire? Richard takes them to the Black Rock, and lays it on them that everyone in the temple is dead, but that their friends made it out alive. Hurley admits that Jacob told him not to go back to the temple, and Richard’s perfectly lined eyes go wide and he tells them that whatever Jacob says, don’t believe him.

Richard picks up some chains inside the Black Rock. “Been here before?” Jack asks him. “Yes…and in all the time I’ve spent on this island today is the first day I’ve been back.” Remember when Flocke said it was nice to see Richard out of those chains? Was he a slave? The captain?

Richard tells Jack that Jacob touched him and when Jacob touches you it’s a gift. So that’s why he never ages. Except it’s not a gift so much as a curse. Now, Jacob is gone and Richard is all sad, because his life has no purpose, so he wants to die. But he hasn’t shared his eyeliner secrets! Except, because of said gift, he can’t kill himself. So he wants Jack to do it for him, with the Artz-exploding dynamite on the ship. Just make the fuse long enough so that they can run away. Also, where did Jack find that working lamp? Just hanging around?

Jack lights the fuse, but then magically transforms into a (hot) BADASS who decides this would be a great time to talk it out with Richard. Jack is a man of faith all of a sudden, and believes the dynamite won’t explode. Hurley, on the other hand, decides he’s safer a mile away. Jack’s so sure because of what he saw in the magical and fantastic lighthouse, where his name was on the dial and his childhood home was reflected in the mirror. Jacob wanted him to know he’d been watching him, that he was special. No clue why, Jack says, but if he went through the trouble to do all that then he’s probably not going to let him blow up. Sure enough, the fuse goes out. “Want to try another stick?” he asks Richard. Brilliant. So if Jacob touched you, you can’t kill yoursef? Are you semi-invincible? They decide to go back to the beach, where everything started.

Ben, now back on the beach, helps Sun put up the tarp on her shelter. Jack, Hurley and Richard arrive at the beach. A classic Lost slow-motion happy reunion sequence ensues (with Ben and Richard as outcasts), and we get excited that we’re finally going to get one of those feel-good endings we’ve been missing. But hold the phones. Cut to secret-agent music and a submarine approaching the island. With Charles Widmore on it. OH HAI.

New Timelineville High School

“On this island everything changed. Everything finally became clear.” Of course, Dr. Linus, history teacher, is talking about Elba and Napoleon’s exile. Ben explains that what was truly devastating was the loss of Napoleon’s power. “He might just as well have been dead.” How reflective.  After class, the dick principal stops by to tell Ben he has to supervise detention and not do history club, which is just there to make Ben feel needed. He looks so sad in his cardigan!

Ben meets our whiny pal Leslie Artz for lunch, and of course he’s brought sushi. “Taking care of the kids, that’s what’s important,” says Ben, as he complains about Principal Ass. “I know you’ve given up, but I refuse to.” A certain substitute teacher in a wheelchair suggests Ben be the principal. Says Locke: “It just sounds like you care about this place. And if the man in charge doesn’t, maybe it’s time for a change.” We’re sorry, are we talking about high school, or an Island in the south Pacific? Who’s going to listen to Ben though? Locke raises his hand.

Ben gets home and stares at his reflection in the microwave. He’s not heating up a Hot Pocket to throw at Hurley, but rather an organic turkey meal for his dad, who he lives with and takes care of (Roger’s rather ill)! Wow, way less daddy issues this time(line) around, huh? Ben reflects sadly on his doctorate-having life. “Maybe I’m more of a loser than any of them,” he says, referring to his students. Aw, Ben! Roger waxes nostalgic too, saying this isn’t the life he wanted for Ben. That’s why he signed up for the Dharma Initative and took Ben to the Island. WAIT WAIT WHAT? So they still went to the Island? But why did they leave? WHEN did they leave? And when did the Island sink? Roger wonders what would have happened if they stayed: “Who knows what you would have become?” A monster, Roger. Watch seasons two through five; they’re on DVD. Ben then changes his dad’s oxygen tank, a subtle reference to the last time Ben gassed him.

A student stops by. Oh, it’s Alex. Alex Rousseau. She’s worried about the AP test. Isn’t it September? Aren’t those in May? (You know what would clear this up? A parent-teacher conference. BRING BACK ROUSSEAU) Ben agrees to tutor her. The textbook shows a shot of an old trading ship. Not-so-subtle Black Rock reference? Alex is freaking out about getting into college, specifically Yale. “I don’t worry about your future at all,” says Ben. Alex needs a recommendation from a Yale alum, like Principal Pervert. She gossips to Ben that princy is banging the school nurse. We see flashes of old Ben in his eyes.

Ben convinces Artz to hack into Nurse Skank’s e-mail in exchange for a good parking spot and new lab equipment. Honestly Artz, your classroom looks a lot more modern than any science class we ever took, so stop whining. Dr. Linus takes the printed e-mails to the principal. His blackmail speech is pretty good, but you can hear a slight tremble in his voice — this Ben is not used to manipulating others, unlike his Island counterpart. The principal wants to show Ben an e-mail, and pulls up a hilarious .txt document titled ‘EMAIL.’ It’s Alex begging for a recommendation. Principal Dick will “torch” her future if Ben makes this powerplay.

After commercials, on-Island shots, and less-broken-sounding woosh noises, we see Ben in the principal’s office, fooling around. Did he sacrifice Alex twice? Nope! She gets her recommendation, and all Ben gets is history club back. But he seems okay with this, and so are we.

Next week: “Recon” looks like it’s about Sawyer. That’s all we know. The promos are getting worse.

Los Sideways

We open on Sayid lingering in a cab, before heading out and ringing the doorbell at some nondescript suburban house. He lingers on his reflection in the doorway – seems everyone has tender moments with their reflections these days – before the door opens and Nadia appears! And kids! Who don’t know where Sydney is!

Lack of geographical knowledge aside, it looks for a minute like this timeline has been kind to Sayid. Except that it hasn’t. This is his brother Omer’s house – he’s Nadia’s husband and the father of those kidlets.

Over dinner, we learn Sayid is still sketchy. “Translating contracts for an oil company?” Pshhhh, sure. Also, he keeps a picture of Nadia in his travel bag, but doesn’t answer any of the letters she writes him. Conflicted much? Also, who writes letters? Has e-mail not been invented yet in this timeline?

Sayid’s brother is pretty conflicted too. He wakes Sayid up in the middle of the night to tell him he borrowed money from a loan shark and, though he paid back the debt, the shark’s still demanding interest. He wants Sayid to “take care” of the situation, since he was an interrogator with the Iraqi Republican Guard and he knows “what kind of man” he is (this isn’t the first time Sayid had to do his brother’s dirty work – remember the chicken strangling incident in Season 5?). When that still doesn’t work, he brings up the kiddies and Nadia – if he cared about them, he’d do it. But Sayid is trying to put all that bad stuff behind him.

Omer gets mugged outside his dry cleaner store that next morning, because getting fake mugged in broad daylight in front of a business on a public street is totally plausible. Sayid and Nadia go to the hospital to meet him, where they brush past a frazzled-looking (though sadly NOT shirtless) Jack Shephard. Omer’s gonna be okay, and Nadia asks Sayid why he pushed her towards his not-as-badass brother. He tells her he’s spent twelve years dealing with the guilt over all the things he’s done, and he felt he didn’t deserve her.

Sketchy people appear outside the Jarrah home and tell Sayid to come with them, which he does. The two cronies take him to restaurant, where some creepster offers him eggs. Oh wait, that creepster is KEAMY, the hottie mercenary from the Season 4 Kahana freighter who killed Ben’s daughter. He’s still hot, but does he still work for Widmore?

Widmore or no Widmore, Keamy is definitely the loan shark harassing Omer. He tells Sayid that Omer still owes him money, and Sayid responds to this in the only appropriate manner – by killing the men who brought him there and then pulling a gun on Keamy. Keamy tries to play nice and offers to forgive his brother’s debt, but Sayid shoots him anyway. He’s about to make a break for it when he hears something rattling in the freezer and decides to play Sayid the Spy and investigate. Because that’s what you do when you’re in a mobster’s hideout and you’ve just committed triple homicide and you hear strange noises coming from an industrial freezer, right?

He opens the freezer door and there’s JIN, bound and duct-taped and having evidently gotten through LAX customs since the season premiere. Sayid pulls the duct tape from Jin’s mouth, but Jin can’t explain what happened because it’s 2004 and that means he knows zero English. WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Probably-Present-Day Island

Let’s just start off by saying the Temple set looks super fake. They could buy a whole airplane for the pilot, but they can’t make stone that looks real? Just wondering. Anyway. Sayid storms in asking Dogen for answers, which is hilarious because he’s obviously never seen an episode of his own show. Dogen explains that the torture machine actually measures a man’s inner scale (one side is good, one side is evil). Turns out Sayid’s tipped the wrong way. “I think it will be best if you were dead,” deadpands Dogen. Sayid insists he is a good man, and then they have a sweet ninja fight all over Dogen’s office. Isn’t Dogen concerned about all his little bonsai trees getting destroyed? He ends up with a letter opener to Sayid’s throat (who’s sending letters to the Island? Nadia?), but a baseball falls to the floor, which stops the fight. Sayid is banished. Logical cause and effect, obviously. He stops to chat with solitaire-playing Miles (why is he always playing games?), who wonders what brought Sayid back from the dead. We wonder with him.

Outside the Temple, Flocke sends in Claire to deliver a message with the promise that he’ll get Aaron back for her. “Are you going to hurt them?” she asks. Notice how, despite supposedly being claimed by the darkness, she still has compassion. Maybe she doesn’t have what Sayid has (more on that later). Flocke responds, “Only the ones who don’t listen.” Nice.

Claire strolls into the Temple, because apparently now it’s just that easy. Dogen won’t go chat because Flocke will kill him, and she suggests sending someone he won’t kill. Like, say, a CANDIDATE? How handy that Sayid is there! Conveniently, he’s not banished anymore.

Dogen explains that Claire is “a confused girl under the influence of an angry man” and gives Sayid his magic samurai sword hidden in a plant. Could Sayid do him a favor and kill Flocke? It turns out Flocke had been trapped until Jacob died, wants to kill every living thing on the island, and is “evil incarnate.” Supposedly killing him will redeem Sayid, but btw make sure you don’t let him talk first or it’s too late.

Sayid takes a stroll in the jungle, hears cab receipt noises, and Flocke appears, who speaks right before Sayid stabs him. Flocke pulls the knife out of his chest, and it has no blood on it. Considering bullets go right through him, this isn’t surprising. Flocke shames Sayid for being so easily talked into doing things, then easily talks him into doing his own bidding with the promise that he’ll give Sayid anything he wants. The one thing Sayid wanted died in his arms. Flocke can get that back. But here’s the thing: yes, Nadia died in his arms, but didn’t Shannon also? Having only known Sayid on the Island, wouldn’t Smokey only know about Shannon? OR can he bring Sayid to his flash-sideways, to Nadia? Our brains hurt.

Sayid tells the Templetons Jacob is dead, you’re free, and you can leave the Island forever tonight, all expenses paid, if you go with Flocke! Otherwise, you’ll be killed. Many Others decide to peace out, including Cindy and the two kids from Oceanic 815, including the little boy who is still carrying his teddy bear on a string, a la season 2.

Kate finds Claire in a hole singing “Catch a Falling Star.” Quick refresher: Claire told the adoptive family in season one to sing it to her baby (because her father COUGH CHRISTIAN COUGH sang it to her), and Kate sang it to Aaron when they were off-Island. Kate makes the mistake of telling Claire she took and raised Aaron. Claire is pissed. We will Kate to tell her Aaron’s with Mama Littleton, but no go. This can’t end well.

Dogen tells Sayid his back story. He had a kid [who we saw in the sideways timeline last episode], got drunk, almost killed him, Jacob came and said he’d heal the son if Dogen would come to the Island where he’d have a “new job,” could never see the boy again and blahblahblah. Remember, this is the same bargain Juliet was given to stay on the island – Jacob would cure her sister’s cancer if she stayed and continued her research. Also, do you think it’s significant that the son played baseball in one timeline and piano in the other?

Sayid then drowns Dogen in the Hot Tub of Doom and follows this up by slashing Lennon’s throat. Apparently Dogen dying means the ash around the Temple no longer works. Oh, okay, makes sense, thanks for clearing that one up, writers. Also, is Dogen really that important that Jacob visited him?

Lapidus, Ben, Ilana, and Sun come out of nowhere. Really, when did the Temple get an open door policy? Miles tells Sun that Jin’s aliiiiiive. Where is Jin, anyway? Still in the Crazy Jungle Tents? They all hide in the secret tunnel while Ben goes to get Sayid, but realizes Sayid is full-blown evil and runs away. We’re a little concerned that Ben is so scared. Meanwhile, Smokey is Smoking around killing everyone in sight. Claire tells Kate they’ll be safe in the hole, and they are. Smokey passes right over them, flashing. When the Smoke clears, a weird, ghostly, almost circus-y version of “Catch a Falling Star” starts playing and looks like there’s a burning cross in the Temple. Kate follows Sayid and Claire to Team Smokey. Flocke seems surprised to see Kate. Kate looks almost as confused as we feel.

Next week: a Ben-centric episode! But where are Hurley and Jack? And, for the love of all things shirtless, Desmond and Sawyer?!

Home Sweet Temple

Jack nonchalantly tells Sayid that the Others want to poison him. Meanwhile, Hurley and Miles are playing tic-tac-toe with leaves, reminding us that this is the greatest bromance of all time. Hurley gets hungry (way to be stereotypical, writers) and heads into the Temple, looking for snacks.

Ghost Jacob’s hanging out by Bliss Spa’s Island outpost, pouring something that looks like ash into the jacuzzi of resurrection. Because that’s not a big deal or anything. He gives Hurley a mission to help someone come to the Island, and he writes Jacob’s instructions down on his arm. Hurlez heads for a hieroglyph-filled corridor, where Dogan stops him and asks what he’s doing. Nice hair clip, Dogan.

“I’m a big fan of temples, and, like, history…Indiana Jones stuff,” Hurley tells him.

At the advice of Ghost Jacob, Hurley then tells Dogan that he’s a candidate and he can do whatever he wants. Dogan replies in Japanese that Hugo’s lucky he has to protect him, because otherwise he would cut his head off. OH. OKAY.

Jacob then yells at Hurley that he has to bring Jack. “Have you ever tried to get Jack to do anything? It’s like impossible.” Except, you know, when you want him to DETONATE A HYDROGEN BOMB. Jacob tells Hurley to tell Jack he has what it takes. This makes Jack think Jacob must know his pops, who didn’t believe in him, and he goes off with Hurley on a jungle adventure. They run into Kate, who fills Jack in on what happened in the last episode since he wasn’t in it, and they make eyes at each other and still don’t freaking make out already. Kate peaces out to go find Crazy Jungle Claire (more on her in a bit).

Jack and Hurley continue their stroll, coming across Shannon’s inhaler, which is supposed to show them that they’ve found the caves from Season 1. Couldn’t they not find her inhalers and Sun had to do her magic botanical cures? Wasn’t there a whole episode dedicated to that? Why do we remember more than the writers? Anyway, they go into the caves and find Adam and Eve! Who are looking way more decomposed than they did in season one. What year is it? Hurley also has Lostpedia and our list of questions written on his arm, and wonders if they time travel again, maybe the skeletons are them.

Then they see Christian’s destroyed coffin and Jack tells the story of how he found the caves by chasing his dad’s ghost. WE GET IT, WRITERS. THIS EPISODE MIRRORS SEASON 1, EPISODE 5, “WHITE RABBIT.” THANKS. Why are you here anyway, Jack? “I was broken. And I was stupid enough to think this place could fix me.”

After their stroll down memory lane, Hurley and Jack get to their destination–the Lighthouse. Jack wonders how they never noticed it before and Hurley says maybe it’s because they weren’t looking for it. We’re sorry, but no. This is not Hogwarts and the Room of Requirement. You’re telling us that they didn’t notice the Lighthouse on a) the maps they took from Rosseau, b) all the crap from the Others they looked at, c) the hatch map, d) while they were patrolling the Island as part of the Dharma Initiative, and not even e) WHEN THEY SAILED AROUND THE FREAKING ISLAND?! You’re killing us, writers.

Anyway. They go into the Lighthouse and start cranking it up to 108 degrees. Oh, hey, what’s that? Names next to every number, 1 through 360. Naturally, Lostpedia instantly compares this list to the list in the cave (do they have HD home theaters? How do they see this stuff?), but even we notice one major difference: number 51. Austen. As in Kate. And she’s not crossed out. Also, it looks like it was written more recently in Sharpie, much like the names of our other pals.

As Hurley turns the wheel, Jack notices some things reflected in the mirror that definitely aren’t there, like the pagoda where Sun and Jin got married and the church where Sawyer’s parents’ funeral was. Can you go back to 23, Hurley? Where it says Shephard? Oh, it’s Jack’s childhood home. Jack realizes that this means they’ve been watched their whole lives. Rather than seeing what else the mirrors can show him, he smashes them, and we scream at our TV. So typically Jack and SO ANNOYING.

Don’t worry, though, Jacob explains to Hurley later, as Jack stares at the sea and broods. This was his plan all along! There’s something Jack has to do, you see, but he can’t be told what it is. It’s important though. Oh, and Hurley and Jack need to stay away from the Temple because someone bad is coming. Who’s the someone bad? Probably Smokey. But who’s the someone coming to the Island?! 108 on the Lighthouse, by the way, is Wallace. Who the hell is Wallace?! Walt? Desmond? Widmore? Vincent?

In the Junglez

Our favorite Rousseau wannabe, Crazy Jungle Claire, checks out the dead Others to make sure they’re really dead before she tends to Jin, caught in a bear trap. He asks her how long she’s been out in the jungle, and she says since they left – clearly not realizing that three years have passed. Jin tries to walk, passes out because HE WAS CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP, and wakes up in her Crazy Jungle Cave, complete with lots of trash and a freaky looking Squirrel Baby in a crib. [Side note: For some reason A finds the Squirrel Baby hilarious and has made a screenshot of it her desktop background at work]

Claire returns with one of the apparently-not-dead Others, and she tells Jin she hasn’t been alone in the jungle this whole time – she had her dad and her friend to keep her company. No name, just her “friend.” Because that’s not creepy at all. Claire wants to torture Justin, the undead Other, so she can find out where her baby is – her dad and “friend” told her the Others took him. Strangely enough, she doesn’t seem to remember walking off into the jungle and essentially abandoning the boy. But anyway, first she’ll fix Jin! Also, how did Claire find a Nalgene bottle in this island mess? And, more importantly, why does it have a Dharma logo on it?

She goes out to boil medical equipment and sharpen an ax, and while she’s gone Justin asks Jin to untie him so they can kill her and make a break for it. Otherwise, he says, she’ll kill them both. Jin resists (though he does seem a bit concerned), and then Claire returns. She stitches up Jin’s wound (OUCH) and then starts waving an ax in Justin’s face, asking where Aaron is. Justin asserts that the Others never had him, and as she gets ready to swing Jin interjects and tells her the truth – the Others don’t have Aaron, Kate took him off the island and has been raising him for three years.

Claire seems to take this news in, and then kills Justin anyway with an ax to the stomach. According to her, he deserves it, because the Others took her to the temple and tortured her – stuck her with needles (we think this is a reference to when she was kidnapped by the Others while pregnant) and BRANDED her – the same way they did Sayid (who, you’ll remember, the Others also think is “infected” with…something.)

Perhaps sensing Claire’s crazy going into overdrive, Jin backtracks on his last statement, telling her Kate doesn’t have Aaron. Then he lies again, saying Aaron is at the temple and he can show her how to get there. This is great, Claire says, because if Kate had been raising Aaron she’d have to kill her. Because that’s a normal reaction to someone taking care of the baby you left behind to go into the jungle and follow the ghost of your dead father, of course.

So as Claire agrees to go to the temple with Jin, our old friend Flocke walks in to say hello. “John?” Jin asks. Claire smiles at Jin like he’s a silly kid. Or, like she’s crazy. “That’s not John. That’s my ‘friend,’” she tells him, confirming that she’s spent the past three years hanging out in the jungle with Smokey. But if Smokey has assumed both the forms of her father and of Locke, why does she designate them as two different people? Does she not realize they’re the same, evil-ish entity? Or, again, maybe she’s just crazy.

Alternatetimelineville

This whole first off-Island scene throws us. First of all, Jack’s apartment is different. Then he seems to notice his appendix scar for the first time (which got taken out in Season 4 by Juliet). He chats with moms about it, who says that he collapsed when he was 7 or 8 and had to get it taken out. Hey, Jack was probably around 7 or 8 in the 70s, right? Maybe 1977? When his older self was making some interesting decisions? Just a thought.

Anyway, then he realizes he’s late and goes to pick up his kid. That’s right, his kid. He has a son, David, and we applaud the casting director for finding someone who could definitely be Matthew Fox’s kid. Turns out they’re not that close and can’t really communicate. The apple does not fall far.

Jack heads over to his mom’s place, to help her find his dad’s conveniently missing will. They talk about Jack being terrified of Christian, and Momma Shephard points out that David may be scared of him. Jack takes this in, and then the will is magically found. Mom looks it over, and asks if Jack has ever heard of a Claire Littleton. Not in this timeline, moms!

Jack heads home to find David missing. Panicking, he goes over to David’s mother’s house even though she’s conveniently “out of town” (more on that below) and doesn’t find his son, but does uncover his sheet music and an answering machine message (do kids still have answering machines? In 2004? When they also have cell phones?) confirming his time slot for a conservatory audition. He heads over there in time to catch his son beautifully playing the same Chopin song the young Daniel Faraday plays in Season 5, and is overcome by his son’s talents. Also impressed is Dogan, our temple samurai, who in this timeline also has a son auditioning for this music school. [Side note: the sign outside the auditorium said "Welcome all CANDIDATES.] Wait, if Dogan’s around in this timeline, that would mean he’not ageless like Richard, which means he probably came to the Island relatively recently. Just a thought.

Dogan tells Jack that his son has a “gift” (they really like calling children special and gifted on this show, don’t they?) and asks how long he’s been playing. Jack, apparently suffering another bout of timeline-related memory loss, can not recall.

Jack finds David after he auditions and the two have a heart to heart – David had his mom keep the piano playing quiet because Jack was very intense about it and he was afraid of having his dad see him fail. Taking his mother’s earlier words (and his evident daddy issues) to heart, Jack tells David that in his eyes, he’ll never fail.

Conveniently, Jack’s baby mama is never named. But we’re pretty sure it’s Juliet. It’s definitely not Kate, since they didn’t quite recognize each other on the plane. Plus, Jack is around 35, and Kate’s around 25, which would make her a teen mom, since the kid is around 12. Hey, wouldn’t that make Jack in his early-to-mid 20s when he had David? Wouldn’t that mean he was still in medical school? Seems like a pretty good place to meet our other doctor friend, Juliet. Plus, she and David both have some serious baby blues. And if she and Jack are divorced, she can still go dutch for coffee with Sawyer!

Next week: we don’t know, because ABC shows the most infuriating promo ever. Presumably, the bad person comes to the Temple, Jacob waxes philosophical, and Claire is still insane.

Rose! She’s the supervisor at the temp agency Hurley sends John too. (Were you even surprised?) John is adamant he wants to work in construction and she agrees send him to a site but says he’d be back in her office the next day. He protests, and she reveals that she has terminal cancer – the same diagnosis she had in the old timeline, but the extended island vacation seemed to cure. She tells him she accepted her fate and all that comes with it, and encourages John to do the same with his paralysis. (NO, ROSE, GO TO THE ISLAND AND LIVE IN YOUR HUT AND DRINK TEA WITH BERNARD FOREVER.)

Back at home, un-believer Locke shows Helen the knives he procured for his Australian walkabout – the real reason he was in Sydney. Except that, because of his wheelchair, he couldn’t go on the adventure. He goes on to tell her that miracles don’t exist, that he’s stuck this way and that he’ll never be able to walk down the aisle at their wedding, despite meeting a spinal surgeon on the plane who offered to “fix” him, which Helen thought might be “destiny” (she was also wearing a “Peace and Karma” shirt, we noticed). So, this John doesn’t believe in fate, or miracles. Sounds a lot like the old Jack, doesn’t it? Helen says she loves him the way he is and rips up Dr. Shephard’s card as further proof she doesn’t need him fixed.

Wh-Wh-Whoosh

[Side note from A - We keep forgetting to address the whooshy noise happening between present-ish day and the flash sideways. A lot of people have said it sounds like a plane noise, but we think it sounds a lot like the original flash woosh noise--but broken. Does that mean that the flash sideways really shouldn't be happening?]

On Le Island
We start off seeing things from Smokey’s point of view, which is awesome. From this angle, he sounds different. There’s another sound mixed in with the usual ticking and taxi receipt printers. It kind of sounds like moaning. Ghosts of victims past, perhaps?

Flocke tells Richard to come with him and gives a little schpiel about how he would have been honest with Richard, unlike Jacob. Richard refuses to go. “People seldom get a second chance,” says Flocke. With him? Or is this an existential question?

While the Flockester is off, Richard comes running out of the jungle and tries toget Sawyer to come with him. The man is shitting bricks, and considering Richard never loses his cool, we’re concerned. Flockewants to kill everyone, warns Richard, but Sawyer continues on the hike. He brings up Of Mice and Men, and we get excited that we’ve read the book they’re referencing. He pulls a gun on Flocke, but doesn’t shoot him, much to our dismay (come on, you know you wanted to know what would happen). They reach a cliff. “No offense, but you already died, so it’s great that this is not a big deal for you,” snarks Sawyer, and we swoon.

But back to this ultimate list here. “All the names are crossed out,” says Sawyer. “Not all of them,” replies Flocke. Six names aren’t, and each has a number next to it: 4-Locke (which Flocke promptly crosses out, taking our Man of Faith out of the running). 8-Reyes. 15-Ford. 16-Jarrah. 23-Shephard. 42-Kwon. Oh hey, numbers, what’s up. Haven’t seen you in a while. Jacob had a thing for them, apparently. We rewind our DVR to try to make out more names, but not to worry, because someone on Lostpedia has already made a list of all of them! It turns out we know quite a number of people on this list, including Littleton, Linus, Goodspeed, Rutherford, and Faraday. Miles is there too, which means that you can still be alive and have your name crossed out.

We have three other major takeaways from this:
-WHERE IS KATE?! Jacob touched her, which is clearly significant. We realize we are blinded by non-hate for Kate, but we think this means she’s going to be the key to the whole thing. Her, or the other Kwon. Which Kwon does the list refer to? Which takes us to…
-If the Kwon on the list is Jin, that means the majority of the candidates were male, especially because “Littleton” could refer to Aaron.
-Our Losties names were the only names on that list not crossed out. This obviously isn’t a chronological list, or they would have much higher numbers. Does that mean that this, right now, is definitely the end game? That these people are the last chance for…whatever is going on here? What happens when all of the names are crossed out?

Next week: Jack smashes something, Crazy Jungle Claire returns, and “the time for questions is over.” Does that mean we’re getting ANSWERS?!

Valentine’s Day may be a manufactured holiday, but that doesn’t make us love these Lost-themed Valentines any less! Which is your favorite (click for full-size)?

Dogan, the Japanese guy, tortures Sayid. Sorry about that, Mr. Jarrah, it was a test. You passed; enjoy 10th grade. Or something. Except Lennon lied to our Iraqi friend – he didn’t pass, and he needs medicine. In the form of a pill that Jack must give him, because Sayid has to take it willingly to get rid of his “infection.” Jack doesn’t trust Dogan, nor does he trust himself. He decides to pop the pill, Dogan freaks and Heimlichs it out of him. Because, btw, that pill is actually poison. He also tells Jack that Sayid has been “claimed” by a “darkness” and that when it reaches his heart, he’s dunzo. Oh, and this happened to Jack’s sister, too.

Meanwhile, Kate and Jin go off (wearing Dharma backpacks) with Others Justin and Aldo aka Mac. Justin wants to answer their questions but Aldo keeps shutting him up; Kate shuts them both up by hitting Aldo and springing a Rousseau-like trap on Justin, even though Rousseau’s been dead for years…. Kate finds Sawyer and he is so genuinely sad and broken that we realize he will never be the same again. He throws an engagement ring intended for Juliet–an engagement ring that looks an awful lot like the one Desmond bought for Penny–into the water. Hey, didn’t Desmond do that too? Interesting. Kate leaves him, because she’s on a mission to find Claire.

Oh hey! Speaking of that blonde Australian chick we lost on the Island a while back – she returned! In Crazy Jungle Claire form! With Rousseau hair and a gun! Sorry, we got excited there for a bit. But yeah, there she was – after Kate goes rogue to find Sawyer, Aldo/Mac Daddy tries to take Jin out. Jin gets caught in a bear trap, and just when all looks lost for our Korean friend, we hear gunshots and then Aldo and Justin look pretty dead. Jin looks up, and sees CJC (also known as Rousseau 2.0), finally returning to this timeline after three years hanging out in the jungle. Maybe. We’re not sure if she flashed through time or just spent three years chilling in (not) Jacob’s cabin.

In Oceanic Lands-ville
Kate hijacks the cab, instructs the cabbie to get out of there, even though someone else is in the car. O hai, Claire. Kate looks out the window, sees Jack, and a flash of recognition crosses her eyes. Because they met on the plane? Hmm, we don’t think so. Because they are Island soulmateys? More likely. Cabbie freaks and runs, Kate kicks out Claire, gets her cuffs off at a chop shop, and heads to the bathroom to change into Claire’s clothes. But the bag isn’t filled with clothes (like it was when the plane crashed on the Island); it’s filled with baby stuff. Including a stuffed Shamu-y whale which, incidentally, looks a lot like the one original-timeline-flavor Aaron had. Kate somehow knows where to find Claire and drives her to the house where the adoptive parents live, because they forgot to get her at the airport. We’re convinced the adoptive parents aren’t going to exist, but it turns out they do; they just don’t want the baby anymore. Remember how pregnant ladies shouldn’t get stressed? Yeah, well, this news sends Claire into labor.

They arrive at the hospital and we see that Ethan is Claire’s doctor, at which point we promptly faint. We revive ourselves just in time to hear him introduce himsef as Dr. Goodspeed. Sensical because his dad is Horace Goodspeed, but why isn’t he Dr. Rom anymore? (Interesting that he did become a doctor in both timelines, though he was a surgeon in Timeline 1.o) Also, if the Island is underwater, how did he get off? We don’t remember seeing him get evacuated before the Incident. Does that mean the thing that sunk the Island wasn’t the Incident, but rather a later event we haven’t seen? Also, part of us feels like Ethan is still evil. We didn’t go to medical school (obviously), but we’re pretty sure if doctors DO pause your pregnancy, it’s a way bigger deal than it appeared to be on the show. Just as Claire makes this decision, the fetal heart monitor stops beeping, causing Claire to panic and scream, “Is Aaron okay?” and Kate’s eyes to flash with recognition again. Then Claire covers for Kate to the cops and gives Kate her credit card, because, you know…no, we still can’t really see how this makes sense, except to help the narrative in terms of getting these characters back together again. Before she peaces, Kate asks Claire if she would believe her if she said she was innocent (Claire said yes – guess those handcuffs were just there for show) and then Kate tells her she should keep the baby. Oh P.S., the date on the ultrasound is OCTOBER 22, 2004. As in, not September.

Yeah, let’s talk about that. This opens up about 23 cans of worms. We don’t think this is a prop error–we’re too far into the game, and that date is too well known, for this to be a mix-up. This Oceanic 815 flight happened exactly one month after the one we originally knew. This means that Kate got caught a month later, Jack’s dad died a month later, Claire got pregnant a month later (yet Aaron seemed to be ready to be born on the same day regardless…), Papa Sun sent her and Jin on that trip a month later…. How did rebooting the timeline push everything back a month? Keep in mind that it’s not just the Oceanic 6/people Jacob touched that ended up on this month-later flight: Boone, Rose, Bernard, and Artz were all on it. Maybe Michael, WAAAALT, Ana Lucia, Libby, and the others missing from the plane traveled in September. We’re extremely interested to see the ramifications of this.

Next week, Flocke returns (yay!) and has a little chat with Sawyer, who falls off a ladder on a cliff, while it appears Mr. Maybelline meets up with our other Losties. Share your thoughts in the comments!